needsmoregun: (lunchbox)
[personal profile] needsmoregun
Hey buddy. Sorry it's been a while. Gonna try 'n mail this and the package early so it gets there in time for the fourteenth and all that. I know you'll probably be busy anyhow, but ... well, guess time's one thing I got plenty of out here, and I'll be thinkin' about you. Hope things're doin' all right there.

How's that grandkid of Merle's? Hell, how's Merle? Here you were sayin' he's like ol' BLU Scout, but that's a fella after my own heart if I ever met one. Shit, I almost look forward to seein' that son of his. (An afterthought, in the margins: He got a name yet?) Prob'ly won't be much good with him, but there's somethin' nice about the thought of him growin' up. Merle's got a good head on his shoulders. Dunno where he mighta procured that from, mind, but I think he'll do all right.

As for me, I been thinkin' a lot lately about the good old days. Yeah, I know it comes natural with age, you don't gotta say it. Feels awful strange though, thinkin' back to back when I was Merle's age.

Some things about bein' that age that I kinda miss. Felt easier to get in over my head, I guess. I was an awful mess there after Dad died, but back then there was somethin' in me that hadn't given up yet. Wasn't so good at keeping it all bottled up. I tried, I know I did. Didn't know how to deal with it 'cept just keepin' it in. But, well, I try lookin' back at back then, I was nothin' if not a pile of tinder lookin' to ignite, and then there you came settin' all that off.

There's a hell of a lot that happened in all these years in between I never got around to tellin' you, and in a sense I hope you never find out all of what I did. But I guess we both did some damn stupid things, to hear you tell it. Doesn't matter so much anymore. It ain't that part of the past I've ever cared to look back on. Didn't really feel much at home anyplace in it, I guess.

Truthfully, I guess now you left I realized I spent most of my life lookin' back on those couple years I spent gettin' to know you. They say I've done a hell of a lot in my career, saw things nobody else could see, and I guess as far as things go they're pretty dead on the money, objectively speakin'. But still, I think just about the only time in my life I really felt like I was livin' has been that year, and this one just passin' now. Spent my whole life starin' at differentials 'til I was blue in the face, but I didn't really see a whole hell of a lot there that compared. You're the only fellow I know dumb enough to put up with a jerk like me. Never imagined in my life I'd find somebody like you, let alone figurin' I'd get to have you for keeps.

Anyhow. I guess I lost the knack of writin' letters. These past couple months've been nothin' but confusion. Can't figure I could try and put all that on paper. I tried workin' on my dissertation from back when, gave up on that, started puttin' together a TV for the common room. Don't really see the point, though.

I can recall a time when I could bury myself in my work and feel mighty peaceful here, switch on the old arc machine or take out my guitar just to kill time, but lately I just can't keep up the old habit. Ever since that dummy busted my head in I can't focus like I used to. S'like I'm just killin' time here waitin' to come home to you, or waitin' for you to stroll through that old door like you used to and tell me you changed your mind about stayin' home. Doc's been flittin' around here actin' worried ever since I got out the ward. Comes over a couple times a week. He's real sweet - kinda reminds me of Hermann, sometimes, you remember him? - but I get the sense even he knows it ain't gonna do no good. Lucky if I even give a hell if we win or lose anymore, 'n that's how I know I'm in real trouble.

Here I wrote to the company twice now about the contract, and they haven't said a word in return. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. They get 'til the end of March outta me, and after that, I'm gone. Don't care if I have to run the train outta here myself. I'll get home to you, and that's all there is to it. No sense my stayin' here. I can't do it.

I'll be writin' you again soon, so you keep an eye out for that. Don't do nothin' stupid while I ain't around to watch. Miss you.
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January 2013

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